If I'm Gonna Lose You
by 24QueenMo
Summary: ...I watch the blood flow out of my skin. It hurts, yes. But I like it...


**Here's another short one-shot. Seriously, I think this is the saddest thing I've written. So don't think this is going to have a "happily ever after" ending, because it doesn't. The other thing about this story is that it changes POV through out the whole thing just so you know.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

_I'm  
Taking a ride  
Off to one side  
It is a personal thing  
Where  
When I can't stand  
Up in this cage I'm not regretting_

Life is painful. Sometimes the pain is unbearable. Sometimes people can stand it—strong people, that is. I'm not one of them. I'm weak. I'm flimsy. I'm not strong. And for me the pain is unbearable. I know what I'm going to do is leave behind all the people that meant something to me at one time. But they don't and can't understand what I'm going through. I don't want to seek help. I don't want that. I want to die. I need to die. I'm not the boy that I used to be. I'm not the kid who once starred on _Mackenzie Falls_. I'm different now. I'm irritated all the time. I'm harsh and misanthropic. That's not way to treat your soon-to-be wife. I'm going to miss her, sure. But I can't live this way anymore.

I slowly lift my hand to my head. I'm not afraid. I'm ready to take my life. I look around the room one last time and pull the trigger.

_I don't need a better thing  
I'd settle for less  
It's another thing for me  
I just have to wander through this world  
Alone_

After the funeral my life did a 180. It was perfect before. Everything was perfect. Or so I thought. He never showed any signs of suicide. It was like he just got up one morning and said, "I'm going to kill myself today." Yeah, you're going to kill yourself and leave your fiancée.

Everyone said to me, "If you ever need any help feel free to call."

I don't want or need help. I want to be left alone. I just have to be alone now. I'll be fine alone.

_Stop  
before you fall  
Into the hole that I have dug here  
Rest  
Even as you  
Are starting to feel the way I used to_

I watch her from afar. She's a wreck. It's been two long weeks since I died and she's already messed up. Her once-beautiful hair is now greasy and messy. Her skin is oily and pale. It's obvious to anyone that she hasn't taken a shower in days.

People have tried to talk to her, but she isn't answering her phone. It makes me upset. I did this to her. And there's no way I can go back and try to fix it. I didn't want her to do this. She's turning into me. She's feeling the pain I did.

_I don't need a better thing  
Just to sound confused  
Don't talk about everyone  
I am not amused by you_

My mother's rambling again. She's trying to make me feel better. Yeah, she's "helping" me by telling me how my (happy) family is doing.

She's saying this like, "Oh, what's-her-name had her baby!" or "You're father and I just got a new puppy. You'll love her!" and "You're coming to visit us soon, right? You said so before . . ."

"Yes, before my fiancé decided to kill himself," I snap.

"Sonny . . . we know you're hurting . . ."

"But it doesn't mean I have to snap at people? Is that what you were going to say? That I should be nice after someone I loved killed himself? Are you kidding me? Mom, I can't stand it anymore. I just can't . . ." I hesitate a moment. "Just . . . leave . . .," I say, showing her out of my house.

"Sonny, just remember I love you," my mom says, and walks out.

I don't say anything. I just watch her leave.

_'Cause I'm gonna lose you  
Yes, I'm gonna lose you  
If I'm gonna lose you_

She lost it. She hasn't moved from her bed in days (except to use the bathroom). I want to get away from this limbo I'm stuck in, and go back to the real world, and tell her everything is going to be okay.

As I watch her, she moves and goes down stairs. That's a good sign, right? Maybe she's getting something to eat. I think she is, seeing she's walking into the kitchen right now and taking out a knife. Oh, God, no. No, no, no. She cannot be doing what I think she's doing. Oh, God . . . .

_'Cause I'm gonna lose you  
Yes, I'm gonna lose you  
If I'm gonna lose you_

"Did you see what you did?" I yell to the air. (As if Chad could see me.) "Do you see what you did to me? All of my friends are happy, but me? Am _I_ happy? No. You ruined me! I'm a mess. Everyone says it's going to be 'all right.' But it's not going to be 'all right.' It's never going to be 'all right,' is it?" I shake my head. I'm going nuts. I'm crazy. How could he do that to me? After all we've been through. What's his problem? Well, I don't know. And I'll never be able to ask, either.

"I hope you're happy now. I quit. I give up. I—I can't live without you," I whisper, and then I take the knife and bring it to my skin. I watch the blood flow out of my skin. It hurts, yes. But I like it.

And soon everything goes black.

_I'll lose you now for good_

_Lose You _by_ Pete Yorn_

**All right, wasn't that sad? If anyone doesn't know: The song I used is the song in "House" after Kutner dies. Anyway, review . . . please?**


End file.
